I saw him today, for the first time since March. I should have gone sooner but I couldn’t. My legs just took me the other way every time I tried to think about it. In those months, he’s lost any kind of ability to form sentences, or even words for that matter; it’s all just a bunch of random sounds. I think he knew who I was, although he couldn’t say it, he smiled when he saw me. He’s still dancing quite a lot, I think it’s what gets him through as he laughs and smiles when he’s moving.

No more hiding, now. I need to face this.

I’ve been putting off visiting him since before Xmas, I keep telling myself it’s because I’m scared to go alone, but the truth is I have a handful of people that would go, I just didn’t ask. And the longer it went on, the more scared I became that he’d have forgotten me.

I called my aunt, today. She visits him on a fairly regular basis, so I asked if she would mind going at the same time as me, she said of course not and asked if I’d seen him recently. I explained and she told me he was in a bad way the last time she went, he sat in a chair and didn’t look up the entire time. It could have had something to do with the fact he took some of his wife’s sleeping tablets the night before, but deep down I know he’s just getting worse and it’s something I have to stop avoiding and come to terms with.

I need to stop hiding behind the facade that I’m angry with him. I need to realise that this isn’t something he or I can undo and I need to deal with my ‘Daddy issues’ alone, without his help or hindrance.

I’m going to visit him, next Thursday; his 67th birthday. It’s going to be a tough day, I can already 

Good news.

Social services managed to get the extra hours they requested for my him. This means that he’ll get some one on one time with the Carers on a daily basis, and will be less likely to go wandering.

I’m going to make a conscious effort to see him once a week, even if I don’t want to. I’ve been slacking lately because it really takes a lot out of me when I do go.

I have the support of my family, and I do really appreciate the kind words you guys have been sending my way, it all helps, so thank you.

I talked to one of the Carers on Friday, I know that a lot of them look down on me because of my sporadic visits, but I explained to her how I had to be the parent in our relationship for over a year, and how it nearly broke me.

I don’t care what they think of me, for the most part, but I used to go to school with this one, and for some reason, felt like explaining.

I’m taking the afternoon off work, I struggled to eat breakfast this morning and I can’t concentrate on anything right now, not even my daydreams.

I have an appointment with his doctor at 2:40pm and one with his social worker at 4pm, hopefully dealing with these people face to face rather than on the phone should get something resolved.

My brother can’t make it as he has to work, but we’re going to sit down tonight and discuss it after the appointments.

Hopefully we can get something done. It’s not going to be easy, but I refuse to let this break me. I am so much stronger than that.

I’m a wreck right now, so I’m sorry if some of this doesn’t make sense.

I was on my way to my Mum’s when I drove past Coalville library, a man caught my eye walking around the back of the building and I realised it was my Dad, a good few miles from home.

By the time I’d called his house to make sure it was him, and I wasn’t about to kidnap some random old man, I’d lost sight of him, I stopped the car and ran around the back of the building to find him there, one shoe in his hand and his bottom half of clothing around his ankles. I’ve no idea what he was about to do, and I don’t want to know. It was clear he’d wet himself by the patch on his jeans, I tried to find something in my car he could sit on, but I couldn’t.

I took him home, and it turns out he’d been missing for 4 hours. No family members had been called, just like last time when he’d been gone for 6 by the time anyone was called. When the carers got him changed, it turned out that he’d not only wet himself, but, well, you know. I couldn’t stay long, I knew I was going to break down any minute and I didn’t want to upset him.

I text my brother telling him what had happened, and that I was staying at my Mum’s tonight. Got here, scrubbed the seat with fabric dry clean stuff and sprayed my entire car with fabric freshener. I don’t want to be reminded of the incident in the morning. I called my Mum and told her what’s happened (she’s on holiday).

I just don’t know what to do. I never thought for a second I would be dealing with this kind of thing at 24 years old, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I sure as hell can’t afford to pay for a nursing home for him, I’m struggling with my own bills, let alone someone elses, and I know my brother isn’t exactly totally financially secure.

I’ll feel more positive in the morning, but all I want to do right now is curl up on the sofa, smoke a shit load of cigarettes and have a good cry.

I wish someone could hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right, but I don’t think I’d believe them.