Happy Father’s Day, Dad
This reminds me of you.
I’m sorry I couldn’t see you on your birthday. I’m sorry I don’t know when I can see you. It’s too hard. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know if you know who I am anymore. It’s too hard.
I saw him today, for the first time since March. I should have gone sooner but I couldn’t. My legs just took me the other way every time I tried to think about it. In those months, he’s lost any kind of ability to form sentences, or even words for that matter; it’s all just a bunch of random sounds. I think he knew who I was, although he couldn’t say it, he smiled when he saw me. He’s still dancing quite a lot, I think it’s what gets him through as he laughs and smiles when he’s moving.
No more hiding, now. I need to face this.
I’ve been putting off visiting him since before Xmas, I keep telling myself it’s because I’m scared to go alone, but the truth is I have a handful of people that would go, I just didn’t ask. And the longer it went on, the more scared I became that he’d have forgotten me. I called my aunt, today. She visits him on a fairly regular basis, so I asked if she would mind going at the same time as me, she said of course not and asked if I’d seen him recently. I explained and she told me he was in a bad way the last time she went, he sat in a chair and didn’t look up the entire time. It could have had something to do with the fact he took some of his wife’s sleeping tablets the night before, but deep down I know he’s just getting worse and it’s something I have to stop avoiding and come to terms with. I need to stop hiding behind the facade that I’m angry with him. I need to realise that this isn’t something he or I can undo and I need to deal with my ‘Daddy issues’ alone, without his help or hindrance. I’m going to visit him, next Thursday; his 67th birthday. It’s going to be a tough day, I can already
for 26 years i’ve tried to please you. for 26 years i’ve given you the benefit of the doubt. for 26 years i stood by your side, even when you beat me down to the ground. for 26 years i loved you like any child should. for 26 years i defended you relentlessly because i couldn’t bear to see you hurt. for the better part of 26 years i’ve felt like i was second best in your life. and i realize that for 26 years i’ve longed for something that will never be there.
but i can’t change you. and i’ll love you for you, no matter what. i just can’t care like i used to, it’s unhealthy for me. i realize i will be different from you. to be honest, i already am.
Why?
Because I’m angry over the past.
Because you don’t/can’t listen.
Because it hurts.
Because it’s too fucking hard.
This isn’t about Dad, but I didn’t want it on my main blog:
My boss sent me home.
I’m not myself today, my mind doesn’t seem to recognise the fact that I slept last night.
Every now and again, the guilt comes back, I wasn’t there when he needed me, I should have done something, I could have saved him. And no matter how many times I tell myself it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my job to save him, it doesn’t change how I feel.
I haven’t listened to his music in a little while, I did yesterday. I always find myself over analysing his words:
“Before I pass out again, remember I wanna live”
“I’ll make it up to you, if it’s the last thing I do, and darling you won’t have to make up anything”
“As I hear the gunshot, the look that’s on my face is one of happiness and peace”
I remember the crackle of his voice, the way he used to stutter his words when he was happy or excited about something. I remember the way he used to forget all of his shit and just listen to me when I’d had a rough day.
It will pass, as it always does.
Good news.
Social services managed to get the extra hours they requested for my him. This means that he’ll get some one on one time with the Carers on a daily basis, and will be less likely to go wandering.
I’m going to make a conscious effort to see him once a week, even if I don’t want to. I’ve been slacking lately because it really takes a lot out of me when I do go.
I have the support of my family, and I do really appreciate the kind words you guys have been sending my way, it all helps, so thank you.
I talked to one of the Carers on Friday, I know that a lot of them look down on me because of my sporadic visits, but I explained to her how I had to be the parent in our relationship for over a year, and how it nearly broke me.
I don’t care what they think of me, for the most part, but I used to go to school with this one, and for some reason, felt like explaining.
I’m taking the afternoon off work, I struggled to eat breakfast this morning and I can’t concentrate on anything right now, not even my daydreams.
I have an appointment with his doctor at 2:40pm and one with his social worker at 4pm, hopefully dealing with these people face to face rather than on the phone should get something resolved.
My brother can’t make it as he has to work, but we’re going to sit down tonight and discuss it after the appointments.
Hopefully we can get something done. It’s not going to be easy, but I refuse to let this break me. I am so much stronger than that.
